running around the numbers 6/6

[cosmicna]

happy haechan day to everyone! (say it or you’ll blow up into a million pieces and i’ll be throwing you into my fireplace as i sing haechan happy birthday and i giggle, smiling cozily at the fire which is also your dead body <3)

i am aware it has been a few days since the day june 6th has been crossed out on my calendar but who gives a shit? haechan day will be every day just cause i said so!

i know how rough the days leading up to my cutie bear’s birthday have been and i hate how it turned out to be that way. i hate how it felt like no one had his back and that the only people who i could trust to care for haechan were sunflowers. do i really have to say that it’s haechan and sunflowers only against the world? only us running along with him and holding his hand tightly? :(

on the 6th of june itself, i know the silence. i know how he didn’t send a bbl. how he didn’t post on instagram. how he didn’t leave a comment on weverse. and how we didn’t see his face on weverse live. but also, i wouldn’t ever make him do those things if he didn’t want to. actually, i prefer that he stayed away from the media when an accusation so hurtful to an artist’s career—his career—was just made. a fake one at fucking that. i know sm ent said that they would take action but i’ve learned through these years following and loving sm groups that they don’t really give two fucks either. they make useless promises, say shit they don’t mean, and just expect us to be okay with it. and the thing is, they know they won’t go down because so many fucking people kiss their ass. when an album drops and a member is in the goddamn hospital, fans still rush to buy it. when they push schedules together and make an artist miss his own fanmeeting due to his tight schedule, fans still stream and buy those concert tickets. when haechan goes to the hospital both this year and last year, they don’t bother to fix his and mark’s schedules up a bit to give them space to breathe.

it’s on those kinds of days where i make sure to hug my chocobi plushie a little bit tighter at night.

but i ignored it all on the 6th. haechan has mentioned he wants us to spend his birthday happier than he will and i want to make sure i fulfill what he asked for. that’s why i always try my best to get a cake for him. two years ago, i baked him one, and this year, i did the same. i blew out his candle while three of his photocards were laid down infront of the cake and i couldn’t feel more happiness surge inside me. i guess his birthday being so close to mine made me act this way too… i spent my birthday crying in my room, hitting my head literally as well as figuratively with information for the exam i had the next day. i felt sick the whole day. i hated it. i had a cake which i loved but could only blow and wish on quickly because i needed so badly to study for godfucking history. i could barely breathe… i guess that’s why i hold haechannie’s birthday a bit closer to my heart. it’s a cycle that has unfortunately not been broken for the past maybe three years.

but genuinely, in the most sincere way i can write this down, i love celebrating haechan’s birthday.

i think i try my best to be happy because i want the neos to be happy too. i might sound like a loner when i say my world revolves around them but i’ll take that label and stick it right here on my chest. besides, i know i’m not alone, there’s too many sunflowers, markfs, yangqis, and good czennies to call myself lonely :]

i hope haechan has a wonderful day every day. i love my baby <3

on the writing note...

i finally have time to write! i have 700 words already written for a new angsty mahae and it’s a short one— i promise! i’ve learnt that i struggle in the area of writing short things and i really want to overcome that struggle! as much as i love and yearn to write something over 10k words, i don’t think it would be too healthy for me and my mind… plus, the joy i get when i post a fic is irreplaceable so i should start finishing a lot of my google documents to get that surge of joy again. i hope you won’t give up on me mahae writing community…