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(who i am at first glance)
june —— she/he/they
navigate: media intakes, mark’s recommendations, commentaries, thought dump
running around the numbers 6/6
Jun. 9th, 2024 12:47 pmhappy haechan day to everyone! (say it or you’ll blow up into a million pieces and i’ll be throwing you into my fireplace as i sing haechan happy birthday and i giggle, smiling cozily at the fire which is also your dead body <3)
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i hope haechan has a wonderful day every day. i love my baby <3
on the writing note...
i finally have time to write! i have 700 words already written for a new angsty mahae and it’s a short one— i promise! i’ve learnt that i struggle in the area of writing short things and i really want to overcome that struggle! as much as i love and yearn to write something over 10k words, i don’t think it would be too healthy for me and my mind… plus, the joy i get when i post a fic is irreplaceable so i should start finishing a lot of my google documents to get that surge of joy again. i hope you won’t give up on me mahae writing community…
encircled in red, you're a 9/15 at best
May. 14th, 2024 11:40 pmPhew. Okay, I’ll lie down and talk about it.
— something i dug up.
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I wonder how long it would take my teachers to realize that I am tired, that we all are.
too many thoughts, too little time
hello… once again, i lack the time to write. however, time will come to me in the following weeks (p.s. my birthday’s soon!) so writing community, don’t lose hope in me just yet! i have some fics i tried working on for the past month but i just got really, really busy, and seriously had no time to write—i could barely breathe… hang in there mahae and nahyuck nation… i’d bleed myself dry for you guys if that’s what it took to give you a piece of me… too much? <3
translating my head: make it make sense
Jan. 10th, 2024 12:35 ami do things so messily. so honestly but in a way so chaotically. whether that be a personal vent or a school project about myself, i always find the outcome somewhat ugly. there’s too much words or clashing colors. there’s messy thoughts and too much of me on colored paper. i feel like work i do that circles around me will always be a crazy mess. its outcome will always feel complete, though hideous. i feel like i’ll always somehow be that way.
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cosmically, na
i am so very sorry for not being able to write. school has just been such a bitch like !!! i’m trying my best to squeeze in writing but with my schedule these days i doubt it’s possible… but i’m going to try! i’ll be back, that’s a promise i can make. i have too many characters with different stories piled away and stored in my gdocs to abandon now. i’ll try posting an old work in a bit (see: give me a week or so) to finally show the rest of the world… it feels like i only have old fics to give, doesn’t it? haha i have some writing realizations but now is not the time.
thank you to everyone who reads my work, i’m always thinking of you guys.
rushing past universes
Nov. 8th, 2023 03:36 pm: commentary for my contribution to the nahyuck fic fest
This is my very random, maybe crazy commentary, if I can call it that, for my fic where is it gonna be you and me? that I wrote for nahyuck fic fest!
My writing has been very, how do I say this? Not too good for the past like, year. But, joining this fic fest (my first one!!!) has taught me that I can cram-write. You do not know how long I procrastinated on this fic. I’m so sorry to this nahyuck for prolonging the time I took to complete this fic. I’m sorry too, as this introduction to this I-don’t-know-how-long commentary is being written on the 21st of October at 2 AM with the fic unfinished. Okay, I should actually get back to work.
Note: I have no idea why I started using sentence case for the capitalization but I was in too deep to just stop. I know I could just cmd+a and format then change case but honestly, I think I prefer the capitalization this way for this one.
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So, mod fairy 🧚🏻 and mod ducky 🐥, whether you guys are reading this or not, thank you for making my first fic fest full of realizations <3 Thank you to whoever has read this fic and another big thank you to the entire nahyuck community for giving me another story to write and another nahyuck to share :]
september media intake
Oct. 5th, 2023 04:08 pm
september’s over so soon? can’t believe christmas is so close.
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happy almost halloween! hopefully, october will be more eventful though with less workload. toodles, dreamwidth! i’ll be back in a month, most likely!
i'm seeing in red and blue
Sep. 4th, 2023 12:22 amdid they lose the war? no. i wouldn’t say so. how could you lose if you both are from opposing sides? how could you lose if you chose not to fight? to run away to a place of your own design, a bridge for a space to be neighbors, to keep dogs, and share tea?
they’ve never gone on a date. they’ve never spoken to each other as if they’ve got all the time in the world because They Can’t Do That. they only spoke when blue was in disguise. the rest of their loving and romantic exchanges are in the form of letters. words spread across strands and memorized to be kept in their hearts and heads.
i hope some day, somewhere, in at least one strand, blue and red are neighbors, sharing their tea and playing with their dogs.
this is how you lose the time war has rewired my brain.
230901:
sometimes they come in bursts. in those abrupt times. and you’re caught off guard.
8:05 pm
it’s so crazy how i’m crying over seeing this tiktok of two people going on an art date in some place that’s near the river and full of trees and just. is so nice and romantic but all i'm thinking of are blue and red. like???? if blue stopped reading, they never ever ever ever would’ve met up.
“Flowers grow far away on a planet they'll call Cephalus, and these flowers bloom once a century, when the living star and its black-hole binary enter conjunction. I want to fix you a bouquet of them, gathered across eight hundred thousand years, so you can draw our whole engagement in a single breath, all the ages we've shaped together.”
230901:
you're in my head. don’t get out.
9:59pm
It is a gift from Garden that her role here requires such thorough, deliberate in-dwelling; that to wander in the woods and think of birds and trees and colours is expected of her, is mission critical.
“What will I do, sky? Lake, what? Bluebird, iris, ultramarine, how can there be more when this is done? But it will never end—that's the answer. There is always us. Dearest, deepest Blue—At the end as at the start, and through all the in-betweens, I love you.”
“I loved you. That was true. With what's left of me I can't help but love you still. This is how you win, Red: a long game, a subtle hand played well. You played me like a symphony, and I hope you won't mind my feeling a little proud of you for such a magnificent betrayal.”
"I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll write it in waves. In skies. In my heart. You'll never see, but you will know. I'll be all the poets, I'll kill them all and take each one's place in turn, and every time love's written in all the strands it will be to you."
“Shall we build a bridge between our Shifts and hold it—a space in which to be neighbours, to keep dogs, share tea?”
“Forever yours, Red”
“Yours, Blue”
(take my heart, lock it safe, you are the book i choose today.)
august media intake
Sep. 3rd, 2023 11:40 pm
goodbye salt air and the rust on your door. hello dreadful school days.
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phew, hello september! dreamwidth, i’ll see you again later on~
july media intake
Aug. 9th, 2023 08:35 pm
this is kinda late but here we go.
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not much for this month, huh? i doubt there’ll be more for august but who knows really.
cosmicna, out!
my life in some of its pieces
Jul. 12th, 2023 09:22 pmas a person, i think. a lot. and as a writer, i tend to splash all that out in the void of my private instagram stories. private as i don’t want anyone to know these thoughts of mine and know i was the one who wrote them, so i’ll share them here, where no one knows who i really am.
when you tell me about love, i will think of its grandeur, of its gigance (though i don’t even think it’s a word, it sounds fitting for me at the moment. it’s like magnificance but, big) and of just how deep you can love a person. when i think of love, i think it must be true and it must hold strong. it must be unimaginable. i’ve written something down in a letter i dedicate to someone i’ve never stopped loving (mark lee) and i really think it’s true: "Love is huge in comparison to the world but it is inadequate in comparison to how I feel for you." shouldn’t love always be like that? isn’t love like that? and it has led me to questions in reality. i really don’t understand how you can call someone the love of your life, then break up with them (or they with you), then you call someone else the (so-called) love of your life. because then, doesn’t that mean you didn’t truly love your last? and they weren’t the love of your life?
don’t take my words too hard. i’m aromantic, after all, but i don’t know. it just, it hurts for me to think about how someone told me they loved me so much, that they were my everything, but leave me, as if stepping out of the clothes they wore for me, then step into new clothes they’ve found for another, to them calling that new person their everything. like, didn’t i hold that title for you first? wasn’t i fit for that? was i not enough for you to continue loving me?
i don't understand moving on. unless they cheated or hurt someone dear.
230706:
first up is the most recent. i was watching chilling adventures of sabrina (crazy) and bumped into a question about first loves because of, weirdly enough, harvey and sabrina.
4:23 am
one of the many reasons i don’t believe in love is the concept of first loves never lasting. sure i’ve mentioned it in fiction and all, but in real life, like real, real life, this exact reality, i just, can’t believe the whole thing with different partners and non-first loves.
221009:
i know asoue isn’t all about the romance but, lemony snicket’s love for beatrice is just… so unimaginable. i love his letter to her and i just had to write some of my favorites out. however, i don’t only mention lemony’s love here. and sorry, this one’s a block.
1:37 am
how can you ever settle for someone who doesn't look at you the way lemony looks at beatrice? how do you love someone who doesn't write love letters for you? someone who will not love you as the iceberg loves the ship and how the passengers love the lifeboat? someone who will not love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes? someone who will not love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled? someone who will not love you until m. hates snakes and j. hates grammar, and someone who will not love you until c. realizes s. is not worthy of his love and n. realizes he is not worthy of the v.? someone who won't love you as you grow older, which has just happened, and has happened again, and will continue to happen? someone who will not love you until the chances of you two running into one another slip from skim to zero, and until your face is fogged by distant memory, and your memory faced by distant fog, and your fog memorized by a distant face, and your distance distanced by the memorized memory of a foggy fog? someone who won't show you how they will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way? (even someone who helps you with no hesitation despite their villainy. someone who looks at you with love even whilst you both are dying and they just got shot with a harpoon gun moments before they carried you to land. someone who recites a few lines of a poem that you then complete.)
i think it's also because of onsite classes? school in general, i think. i'm way more stressed than i was last year and i have so much more going on. it also feels like the right time to mention how i prolong fics and have zero 1k ones anymore. truly, i've no consistency in life and i’m a wreck. don't get me wrong, i love writing and i don’t think i’ll ever stop but the stress i have built in me won't stop either. this past year i’ve also unraveled more of myself that i wish would stay wrapped and fuck, knowing my trauma and what goes hand-in-hand with it makes everything worse.
life sucks right now, that is the short of it. and as much as i want it gone, i have no idea how i will function without it because i constantly need to do something. especially as i have no constant.
221220:
this one’s more on a personal side. i am someone who thinks too much for their own good. this may be more of a rant or just me trying to make sense of things. writing, school, and life. never thought i’d share this one.
2:58 am
i think the whole ordeal about me not writing as much as i did before is because i'm beating myself over writing like i do with every other one of my hobbies. ever since i've written 1k in one day, it's been the norm for me and now i feel the need to pump out a thousand words a day. due to that, i think i've been draining myself of words. i let everything out in a day and i've nothing left to give. plus, i've been stricter with posting and lazier with proofreading and it all sucks… my writing is wacked, obviously rough and not just on the edges, and it's plain bad.
if i find myself diving into my mind again like this, maybe i'll share it here on my dreamwidth for the world to know. (p.s. there are so much more of these paragraph-type things i've written but i feel like keeping them to myself for the time being. maybe that'll change in the future.)
isn't it about time?
Jul. 12th, 2023 05:50 pm
: an about time commentary
welcome to my first commentary about a movie mark recommended! i didn’t plan on watching this movie nor did i plan to write a commentary about it before getting into it, but my mind told me to when i was close to finishing it.
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june media intake
Jul. 2nd, 2023 02:12 pm
i can’t believe a month has passed so quickly. and yet, it feels like time is moving so slow.
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this is all i have for the month! i’ll be back for the next month or maybe for a movie commentary?
MAY MEDIA INTAKE
Jun. 1st, 2023 12:40 am
school is over and i live in vacation mode! and i am still getting the hang of using markdown as well as the occasional html. don't judge.
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tragedy of woe: juliet and her romeo
May. 18th, 2023 07:30 amit has only recently occurred to me how i never fully knew what went on in the famous shakespearean play “romeo and juliet.” well, up until i had it as a classic reader for my class—later on acting in a play of our rendition of it.
i was never informed of the problems between the two star-crossed lovers: the age gap, the time their love took or lack thereof.
all i really knew was that it was a tragic romance: they loved each other immensely, their families hated each other, they died.
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ao3 works
branching away from romeo and juliet, i have placed my fics on registered users only. i still have uncertainty about what ao3 will be doing but i’m not going to try to risk anything. i really don’t think i can handle ai stealing my words or anyone else’s. writers feel things too! we aren’t robots.
i couldn’t think of a better title, my apologies, but it is the truth! half of it but a slight truth nonetheless. i really am just figuring out dreamwidth, but with life, maybe not quite the same.
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i am very, very, very much frustrated right now. i am having horrible trouble with my layout... (sidebar im looking at you, those things at the bottom of posts, you too) i have no idea how to use dreamwidth and i am genuinely thinking about giving up but all that is in my head is little me saying something like "don't give up! you wanted to write movie reviews here and talk about writing, so do it!" and so now i might not just give up.
that does not make things any easier but at least i have a very small little bit of motivation to continue with this.
(my layout looks like a horrible mess, my god, do ignore)
update, i guess! i think i am pretty much okay with this now. it is an hour and 10 minutes since wrote this entry and after frustration and music to keep me going, i might not dabble with the customization anymore
that does not make things any easier but at least i have a very small little bit of motivation to continue with this.
(my layout looks like a horrible mess, my god, do ignore)
update, i guess! i think i am pretty much okay with this now. it is an hour and 10 minutes since wrote this entry and after frustration and music to keep me going, i might not dabble with the customization anymore