encircled in red, you're a 9/15 at best

[cosmicna]

Phew. Okay, I’ll lie down and talk about it.

— something i dug up.

The way school works in these modern times just plainly, doesn't work. Students — me, included — care more for the grade written and passed to me rather than the lessons we learn.

I feel like school, at least for me, thrives on instilling fear and anxiety among students instead of guiding us along a journey and learning through it. Countless times have I felt that I’ve been pushed to the center, in front of everyone to see, and was made to do something or say something when I’m not ready, when I’m only so young. They speak of preparing us for the real, adult world, while I sit in the middle of class, aching to end it all before I even reach those stages of life.

In my tight-knit group of 5, there are several times where we all feel so lifeless, looking at our schedule and seeing assessments after assessments for the next day. There are so many instances where I seriously, seriously, thought I wouldn’t make it through, and that fear and ache for my life to end never fades away completely. It’s just so hard, you know? When there’s too many people on your back, too many things you have to carry in your hands, wet socks on your feet, and a bunch of books laid flat on your head. You fall at some point. You crumble down and have to wipe your tears from the ground sooner or later. It’s practically part of my routine, having to melt down and pick myself up piece by piece from the wood at my feet.

Lessons not being discussed properly, tests pushed together and so many back-to-back on a single day, extracurricular activities that do not help in the piled up work we have to do, and a piece of my wellbeing withering away at the sight of all of these things. For so long, I have been grade-conscious, for so long I’ve been so worried and scared about the reputation I have to uphold but I’m tired. Imagine hearing someone like me say that, my god — I’m tired. I’m done, that’s it, I can’t do it. I used to study not to learn but to get high grades, to not let my teachers down, but it’s too much anymore — I just can’t do it. Now, I’m too tired to study, too tired to relearn what was badly discussed, too tired to get up, too tired to smash my head on the wall, and too tired to think of anything else except for the fact that I am tired.

I wonder how long it would take my teachers to realize that I am tired, that we all are.

too many thoughts, too little time

hello… once again, i lack the time to write. however, time will come to me in the following weeks (p.s. my birthday’s soon!) so writing community, don’t lose hope in me just yet! i have some fics i tried working on for the past month but i just got really, really busy, and seriously had no time to write—i could barely breathe… hang in there mahae and nahyuck nation… i’d bleed myself dry for you guys if that’s what it took to give you a piece of me… too much? <3