my life in some of its pieces

[cosmicna]

as a person, i think. a lot. and as a writer, i tend to splash all that out in the void of my private instagram stories. private as i don’t want anyone to know these thoughts of mine and know i was the one who wrote them, so i’ll share them here, where no one knows who i really am.

230706: first loves

first up is the most recent. i was watching chilling adventures of sabrina (crazy) and bumped into a question about first loves because of, weirdly enough, harvey and sabrina.

4:23 am
one of the many reasons i don’t believe in love is the concept of first loves never lasting. sure i’ve mentioned it in fiction and all, but in real life, like real, real life, this exact reality, i just, can’t believe the whole thing with different partners and non-first loves.

when you tell me about love, i will think of its grandeur, of its gigance (though i don’t even think it’s a word, it sounds fitting for me at the moment. it’s like magnificance but, big) and of just how deep you can love a person. when i think of love, i think it must be true and it must hold strong. it must be unimaginable. i’ve written something down in a letter i dedicate to someone i’ve never stopped loving (mark lee) and i really think it’s true: "Love is huge in comparison to the world but it is inadequate in comparison to how I feel for you." shouldn’t love always be like that? isn’t love like that? and it has led me to questions in reality. i really don’t understand how you can call someone the love of your life, then break up with them (or they with you), then you call someone else the (so-called) love of your life. because then, doesn’t that mean you didn’t truly love your last? and they weren’t the love of your life?

don’t take my words too hard. i’m aromantic, after all, but i don’t know. it just, it hurts for me to think about how someone told me they loved me so much, that they were my everything, but leave me, as if stepping out of the clothes they wore for me, then step into new clothes they’ve found for another, to them calling that new person their everything. like, didn’t i hold that title for you first? wasn’t i fit for that? was i not enough for you to continue loving me?

i don't understand moving on. unless they cheated or hurt someone dear.

221009: a series of unfortunate events

i know asoue isn’t all about the romance but, lemony snicket’s love for beatrice is just… so unimaginable. i love his letter to her and i just had to write some of my favorites out. however, i don’t only mention lemony’s love here. and sorry, this one’s a block.

1:37 am
how can you ever settle for someone who doesn't look at you the way lemony looks at beatrice? how do you love someone who doesn't write love letters for you? someone who will not love you as the iceberg loves the ship and how the passengers love the lifeboat? someone who will not love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes? someone who will not love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled? someone who will not love you until m. hates snakes and j. hates grammar, and someone who will not love you until c. realizes s. is not worthy of his love and n. realizes he is not worthy of the v.? someone who won't love you as you grow older, which has just happened, and has happened again, and will continue to happen? someone who will not love you until the chances of you two running into one another slip from skim to zero, and until your face is fogged by distant memory, and your memory faced by distant fog, and your fog memorized by a distant face, and your distance distanced by the memorized memory of a foggy fog? someone who won't show you how they will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way? (even someone who helps you with no hesitation despite their villainy. someone who looks at you with love even whilst you both are dying and they just got shot with a harpoon gun moments before they carried you to land. someone who recites a few lines of a poem that you then complete.)

221220: a little bit on writing

this one’s more on a personal side. i am someone who thinks too much for their own good. this may be more of a rant or just me trying to make sense of things. writing, school, and life. never thought i’d share this one.

2:58 am
i think the whole ordeal about me not writing as much as i did before is because i'm beating myself over writing like i do with every other one of my hobbies. ever since i've written 1k in one day, it's been the norm for me and now i feel the need to pump out a thousand words a day. due to that, i think i've been draining myself of words. i let everything out in a day and i've nothing left to give. plus, i've been stricter with posting and lazier with proofreading and it all sucks… my writing is wacked, obviously rough and not just on the edges, and it's plain bad.

i think it's also because of onsite classes? school in general, i think. i'm way more stressed than i was last year and i have so much more going on. it also feels like the right time to mention how i prolong fics and have zero 1k ones anymore. truly, i've no consistency in life and i’m a wreck. don't get me wrong, i love writing and i don’t think i’ll ever stop but the stress i have built in me won't stop either. this past year i’ve also unraveled more of myself that i wish would stay wrapped and fuck, knowing my trauma and what goes hand-in-hand with it makes everything worse.

life sucks right now, that is the short of it. and as much as i want it gone, i have no idea how i will function without it because i constantly need to do something. especially as i have no constant.

if i find myself diving into my mind again like this, maybe i'll share it here on my dreamwidth for the world to know. (p.s. there are so much more of these paragraph-type things i've written but i feel like keeping them to myself for the time being. maybe that'll change in the future.)