cosmicna | translating my head: make it make sense

i do things so messily. so honestly but in a way so chaotically. whether that be a personal vent or a school project about myself, i always find the outcome somewhat ugly. there’s too much words or clashing colors. there’s messy thoughts and too much of me on colored paper. i feel like work i do that circles around me will always be a crazy mess. its outcome will always feel complete, though hideous. i feel like i’ll always somehow be that way.

i think i throw up on paper. i think i barely give myself to the world in spoken words and therefore i blast it all out on written or drawn things. i think these messy outcomes are just because it’s me — i’m a messy outcome, i was to begin with.

whenever i have a paper about my opinions — a review of parasite and a commentary for a shakespearean sonnet, for example — i take words on a marathon, in a way. i fill my microsoft word document with overflowing words that are short compared to my dear fics but are lengthy when compared to my classmates’ writing. i find i can answer a question in 500 words and another in 400, earning one paper a total of 900 words. i find myself so engrossed in a certain sonnet that i have 700 words about it yet i feel like there is still so much left unsaid.

i cough and choke on my own spit, finding words up in my throat and it doesn’t stop.

i’ve got a letter written for my special mark lee that’s longer than some of my fics — namely, graduation, your little secret (no more), sea of grain, i’ve nothing to gain, and very much a bunch of others. that letter in itself contains over three thousand five hundred words dedicated to mark lee where i describe him, praise him, and thank him time and time again. and all those words came out of me like magic, which i actually mentioned in the letter.

sometimes i have conversations with myself like this, talking about this special mark letter and how some of my favorite things are there. but, though this letter is one of my few beautiful throw-ups in this world, i’m keeping it to myself, letting this love be a beauty to me and me alone. (though, i’d give it to mark if i could.)

here i am again vomiting out words. i don't know if anyone is actually reading this and sucking this blood of mine out of me, but i write it still, to keep a place for all my gross and grotesque retching.

cosmically, na

i am so very sorry for not being able to write. school has just been such a bitch like !!! i’m trying my best to squeeze in writing but with my schedule these days i doubt it’s possible… but i’m going to try! i’ll be back, that’s a promise i can make. i have too many characters with different stories piled away and stored in my gdocs to abandon now. i’ll try posting an old work in a bit (see: give me a week or so) to finally show the rest of the world… it feels like i only have old fics to give, doesn’t it? haha i have some writing realizations but now is not the time.

thank you to everyone who reads my work, i’m always thinking of you guys.